Wednesday, April 22, 2015

I guess I'm growing up (Smiley face!)

Hey guys....its weird. I came back from the Philippines like months ago and I haven't updated in almost a year. I owe you all an explanation so I'll go pretty brief :3 Why now you may ask? Well...I finally had the time to go down memory lane while doing some spring cleaning around the house and I suddenly remembered I had this blog. Its been awfully hectic and I can assure you, its no longer high school drama. Plus, I kinda miss writing and my hands hurt from writing manually so typing it is! (Not like anyone will read this)

Here is for my explanation (you know, just because) I'm sorry if its painfully long. You can tell that I missed writing. I need to put my thoughts down haha

I came back. Things has changed a lot at home (no duh) since I wasn't around for 6 months. Things with my siblings have gotten rough but now its getting better. Driving by the high school makes me think about a lot of things. My ex-girlfriend. My best friend. Class. I guess I miss it all haha...

You can probably say that Philippines was my "great escape" or my "rehab" for becoming gay but honestly, old habits die hard. I still checked out girls. They weren't really wearing a lot in the dorm since it was HOT. Of course there were bitches to hate on. I soon found myself with many guy friends. It was a new thing for me I guess. I really didn't like having girls as friends (in the Philippines anyways).

As you can say, there was ALOT of backstabbing, bitching and tears among the female friend circle. I have nothing against females, I was just tired of it all. I didn't want to experience that while I was on this 6 month trip and boys made really nice friends. No matter which gender your friends are though, there will always be drama.

I had quite a bit of issues embracing my break-up with my ex. So many walls were up, I was insecure about having another lover. Like who honestly wants to fall in love and then leave after 6 months.

That's hard and its life.

However, I was an idiot and fell in love nevertheless. I can't be so high strung on her for my whole life....I need to move on because it was the best thing for me. It is a scary thought about her having another person but all I can do is be happy for her because she deserves it as much as I do. I can't say I'm over her now but guess what, she was my first and you can't really forget that person who made you into who you are today. She was a part of my life so don't blame me for not forgetting.

Anyways, I had many boys crushing on me. In fact, COURTING ME (Who uses that word anymore?). It was insane. I never had ANY boy attention in my life. The romantic kind. I liked it for a while but then it got quite annoying. There was ALWAYS a flood of texts greeting me in the morning. Before I knew it, I had three boys I had to choose from. I liked them a lot but....

I don't know. I picked the wrong one.

To this day I like to think I wasn't ready for a real relationship or making up the excuse that I just didn't deserve the better guy. I'm ok with it, it was nice to have someone love you but its not the same. I gave everything to him but I didn't really get as much as I hoped. In a way I used him to distract me and I kind of feel bad. In honest truth, I did love him but soon enough his love for me faded.

That was a new feeling.

I never had someone give up on me before so... huh. It hurt a lot. I wasn't happy. Hell, I would get myself checked if I WAS. I am relieved that the unhealthy relationship ended though, he was an ass. I am proud to say that he was EXTREMELY handsome.

Philippines gave me new experiences in life and lets just say, some aspects of me has changed and others not so much. I still want to go back though, I made many new friendships that can last a lifetime!

On another note, I feel foolish for blocking my ex-girlfriend. I don't know why I did it. I sent her a really nice message. Maybe it was jealously. Anger. Protection. I don't know. I'm sure she is probably angry with me but its ok. Shes happy with her life now, I just can't be in it because it would cause turmoil. Coming back was hard for me because I know, she won't be there. There are moments I would remember the tiny things she did for me and then I would suddenly stop. I think about how immature I am and stupid. I want to pay her back somehow by letting her be happy. I can't talk to her now. There's still feelings left. She would get the wrong idea and probably avoid me for the rest of her life or even worse, her new lover will hunt me down or something.

I don't want to get in the way of love! >:( She may know about my intentions but people can misinterpret that and I seriously don't want that. God sometimes it gets annoying when other people get involved in my business. No right to judge me buddy. Anyways.

Maybe someday I won't be a coward. I still consider myself as immature. I keep running away from people. I am just not ready.

Ten years from now I will be able to face her and ask her to be my friend once more if she will let me. Heck, maybe she will have beautiful babies :D I am excited to see my friends get married and have kids.... its a nice feeling :)

Until then, I should probably smarten up and grow up so I won't be that same immature and possessive bitch back in high school. I've gained weight and I look good. Not all skin and bones anymore!

Since entering college, I have been quite anti-social. I've been busy studying. I didn't really wanted to talk to anyone because I just felt the need to sleep and do anything but read and watch netflix. I know its unhealthy but its getting better now since finals are over for this semester.

I actually tried some drinks (with alcohol!!) but didn't get drunk. I met up with some of my high school classmates this week and had lunch dates. Talking to them was nice but I felt scared haha. I don't know why. A part of me wants to be a hermit but the part wants to talk to anyone. I was such a social person back then, I wonder what happened :P

Anyways, there's my long excuse of the year. I can't promise you guys that I will be posting often. I have tumblr and I post ALL THE TIME. So you if you like, check it out! Today was just your lucky day scrambling into my blog and learning about my life. It may be boring but its up to you whether or not you want to listen.

You guys take care and watch lots of anime! I'm catching up on some right now! Philippines didn't have great internet to watch anime....Sailor moon is going to let me lose a whole 2 days haha.... anyways.


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